Its been a while since I posted. I wanted to write this here instead of just putting it on Facebook or something. About a month ago I went and saw a new psychiatrist. Now my past two psychiatrists…. their appointments always went something like this:
I wait in the lobby for 30-45 minutes. I get called in. I sit down. The man behind the desk asks me a few questions that I barely get to answer and then he writes me a prescription and says “see you next time”. I would be in and out within 5-10 minutes.
So I tell you that going into this new office and seeing a new psychiatrist was nerve-wracking and kind of full of doubt. When I found out it was a woman I was even more fearful. Now I’m going to tell you my unfiltered thoughts:
THIS WOMAN. WAS AMAZING. Every question she asked was specifically about ME. If I even remotely wandered off my own path she would calmly and in the most gentle way try and get me back to talking about MY experience. She would ask questions in a different way if she noticed I was struggling to answer. She noticed how anxious I was as I sat wringing my hands and bouncing my legs. This woman literally said ” I’m not here to change you. I’m here to help you be your best self. ”
I spent almost an hour in her office. Talking about things and listening to her explain to me why she was so frustrated with my past psychiatrists for just labelling me as someone with Bipolar Disorder, she explained to me that people with Bipolar…when they have an episode… they lash out at other people. They tend to be a danger to others. She told me after hearing everything and when I opened up to my thoughts and things that I sounded more like I had Borderline Personality Disorder. People with BPD tend to be more of a danger to themselves. She told me to come home and look up some things for myself and see what I thought about it. And well….. I think she’s right.
The big part of BPD is being constantly at war with yourself. For me… knowing that some reactions/impulses I have to certain situations don’t really add up and trying to tell myself that its going to be okay and that the way I’m reacting isn’t the way its supposed to work… its SO difficult. I’m incredibly over sensitive to some things..and often when no one wants to make definite plans with me, or decide to do something else they find fun, or just don’t respond to me after a while… My brain decides immediately that I’m being rejected or abandoned. I constantly need reassurance that I’m not annoying or stupid. No matter how many times a week I hear how good I am.
I’ve made some huge positive steps this past year. I try my absolute hardest to be positive and help others who are having hard times. But I would be lying through my teeth if I told you that it wasn’t exhausting.
I think I’m kind of done talking about this for tonight at least..