Unknown Change

There are many ways I know I’ve changed. Many ways I’ve worked on changing or noticed subtleties.

Now… I feel a change…. deep inside me.. in my heart and soul. I’m not sure what it is. Its just a cluster of big feelings. And every night I’m praying and giving my frustrations or confusion to God… I know He is always listening. My heart is just so soft and …vulnerable right now. I worry about it. I don’t really know what to do. And I’m kind of worried that waiting for Him to show me a way……. I’ll break…

I’ve been keeping myself busy, doing things I love. Having plans for when other plans don’t work out and I know I’ve been so good lately. I also worry that all this worrying will ruin that in a way. That I’ll get too caught up in it. Caught in the wave of big feelings that are crashing into the rock that is my soul, wearing me down.

I have all these romantic feelings in general… and so much love to give. It feels like its spilling out of me. I’m scrambling to get buckets to put it all in and making sure I don’t drown. Or even flood others out with it….

Someday I will find a man, or he will find me… and he will welcome all this love, romance and intimacy that I have to give. And hopefully…maybe… he will have buckets to give back too.

I don’t know… I’m overwhelmed…

I don’t know. And I suppose there’s nothing wrong with not knowing. I just have to be patient. I do know that.

-B

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