A good day turned around..

Since depression has been hanging around lately today was very much a self-care day. I woke up, went to check my social media but noticed the internet was down. I took it as a sign…

So I got up, washed my hair, got actually dressed (Yeah, I put literal pants on. Not just the same pyjama pants I’ve been wearing the past three four days.), I fed my fish I went downstairs and made coffee and sat on the couch… the television wasn’t working either. So I played a game on my iPod that didn’t require wifi. My mom came home and started reading and I started by saying ” I would read too but my brain isn’t right for reading right now”….. but then I realized that didn’t sound right. So I got up and got my book, and read through three chapters before the internet came back on.

I only checked Facebook and instagram a little bit before we left to go to the art store and the pet shop. We were stopping there before picking up my brother from work. It was five minutes into the drive when I realized how much I missed being in the car, being outside and going places. I bought new art supplies at the shop and saw many beautiful fish at the pet store. ( I have a youtube video here.)

When I got home I had a message from an old friend. We chatted and shared how we were feeling, it was really nice.

Then tonight I finally signed onto skype and was prompted to join the group call with my friends while they watched the Oscars (if I wanted to). I was a little unsure, but then decided it might be a nice way to cap off my night. End today with a high note. Well….. I didn’t feel… good. I felt more out of the loop and like… sad. I couldn’t really watch the awards so I didn’t really know what was going on. I couldn’t snuggle up with my PeepSister while she snoozed and listened to the boys banter. I just didn’t feel good about it. So…… I left. I didn’t say anything. I just hung up the call and then quit skype altogether.

On some level I feel kind of bad about it… but not really? You know? I just didn’t feel I was going to get better and it was already late so I removed myself from the situation. And I’m just hoping they understand.

Its frustrating… and I’m upset with myself a little bit. Knowing I had a good day. Knowing how nice it was to be out, to put clean clothes on, to breathe in the cold air, to see so many things…….it was good. And because I made one small wrong decision……..I’m feeling awful.

*sigh*

-B

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