Autopilot

Autopilot, that’s a thing right?

Last night I fell down a horrible body dysmorphic rabbit hole. I don’t like my face. I don’t understand how I could be pretty one day and absolutely hideous the next. My body is a whole different problem that I’d rather not get into. I spent the night crying and praying to get rid of the awful things the devil was feeding me.

I woke up, my brain and eyelids felt heavy. A snowstorm buzzing away inside my mind. I was just lying in bed with Facebook open. I didn’t even glance at my mother when she brought in my coffee.

I looked at the time, it was 11:30. Then, even though my brain wasn’t firing, I felt my body sit up, turn on the light, stand, go to the washroom, fix my hair and get dressed. All the while thoughts slowly crawling across my mind….

 “Go back to bed….”
 “Forget everything today…”
 “You are depressed…”

I kept going. I set up my little table on my bed, set up my laptop, pulled out my Bible, got my notebook and post-its as my finger pushed the button to start the live stream for church service.

The service today was about HOPE. And how hope and expectation are wildly different. Expectation is basically sitting around waiting for it to happen thinking things are a long way off and you might never get there but expecting it to happen. Hope is believing that it will happen soon, while going along and living your life with that belief. One leaves you feeling anxious and negative sometimes, full of what-ifs. The other fills you with the feeling of quiet joy, constantly humming in your soul. Perhaps today.


I think that’s all I’ve got for today.

-B

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